C.I.A. HEADQUARTERS LANGLEY, VIRGINIA
- Ozzie, come on in. - Palmer, what's up?
- You know Peck, and Olson? - Peck, yes, how're you? Olson by reputation.
- I'm Osbourne Cox. - Yeah, I know.
- Are you with?... Is he?... - Yeah, that's right, yeah, have a seat.
Look, Oz... look, there's no easy way to say this.
We're taking you off the Balkans desk.
What? Why?
In fact we're moving you out of the City in due time.
- Just. No discussion? Just. You're out? - Well, we're having the discussion now.
Look... um, Oz, this doesn't have to be unpleasant... huh...
Palmer, with all due respect, what in the fuck are you talking about?
- And why is Olson here? - Huh...
Ozzie, look...
What the fuck is this? I know it's not my work?
- Ozzie... - I'm a great fucking analyser...
- Ozzie! Ozzie! - Is... Is he?...
Things have not been going well, as you know.
You have a drinking problem.
- I have a drinking problem? - Huh...
this doesn't have to be unpleasant... huh, we found something for you in State.
It's a... um... um... well, it is a lower clearance level, yes.
But it's... but it's not... look, we're not... we're not terminating you.
This... is an insult... I have a drinking problem?
- Fuck you Peck, you're a Mormon! - Ozzie!
Next to you, we all have a drinking problem.
What the fuck is this? Who's ass didn't I kiss?
- Huh?... Let's be honest! - Okay, Oz...
I mean let us be fucking honest.
This is a crucifixion, this is political and don't tell me it's not!
I have a drinking problem!
Oh, you're home?
Honey, hang on to your hat. I've got some news.
- Did you pick up the cheeses? - Huh?
- The cheese's, were they ready? - What cheeses?
I didn't relies, you be home so early.
Yeah, I left a message for you to, huh... stop by Arnos'...
The McGrugers' and the Pfarrars' gonna be here this evening.
The Pfarrars', oh... What did Kathlyn say?
- What? - When you left the message?
- That she would give you the message. - Well, I don't know...
I guess we have bigger news today. My day didn’t revolve around her giv...
You mean you didn't pick up the cheeses?
Well, If I didn't get the message, then I didn't pick up the chee...
- Oh, for fuck sake! Oh, now... - But honey, hang on to your hat...
- I have to go and pick 'em up? - I've got some news to...
- Stay here and get dressed! - Honey, we have to talk.
Not now, the company is here, in less than an hour.
- Is that goat cheese? - Chevre. Yes, that is a goat cheese.
Because I have a... a... a lactose reflux and I can't...
You are lactose intolerant?
- Yeah, but I can... - Or you have a acid reflux?
- They're different things. - I know what they are.
- So you misspoke. - Oh, thank you for correcting me.
You should try the Chevre, Harry... it's very good.
Oh, yeah... I can eat the goat cheese, I was telling to your husband here, that...
I have a condition I'll go into anaphylactic shock, when I...
Harry works in the Marshall service, Doug.
Oh, I'm on the legislative side. I work with Senator Hobbie.
Oh, I was in the Treasury, with the Department of Homeland Security.
I'm with the Marshalls now.
If you want, he'll show you his great big gun.
That isn't funny. The gun's no big deal.
Twenty years of marshall service, I've never discharged my weapon.
That sounds like something you should be telling your psychiatrist.
- I don't have a psychiatrist. - Ah...
Boy, I guess my job is pretty undramatic...
- I'm on the legislative side. - Hm'hm, hm'hm...
Mrs. Pfarrar, what you do? Do you also carry a big gun?
- No, I write. - She writes children's books.
You know, "Oliver The Cat... who lives in the Rotunda".
These storys are wonderful! My nieces and nephews just love them.
Oh yeah, kids love it, they love it. they love that series.
- Ohh... - You should see the fan mail she gets.
You sure that's goat cheese?
Why don't you let your wife tell them about her own book, Harry?...
Come with me, come in the kitchen, help me with the crudites.
God-damnit! He knows, doesn't he? These are nice floors!
He knows what?
About us... he knows about us, that little prick.
Don't be such an ass... he doesn't know a thing.
What is that, Forbo?
- What a horse's ass! - I don't know why... we see them.
- She's alright. - Ugh... she's a cold, stuck-up bitch.
- You quit? - Uh-huh.
- Why didn't you tell me? - Look, I tried to tell you before...
You tried? You tried? And then what? Aphasia kicked in?
- No, then our guest came and then... - Why? For fuck sake, Ozzie!
I don't know. I just got so tired.
You're tired?
It's if you're swimming... against the current.
Uh-huh.
An independent thought is not valued there.
They resist it... they fight it, with bureaucracy...
So, they... they... they left you a pension, severance or something?...
I didn't retire, I quit... I don't want their benefits.
But my benefits stay as usual, right?
They... they're left usualy, is... is that their deal?
It's not like that's the only way to make money.
- Yes? Yes, and what you gonna do? - I'll do some consulting.
- Consulting? - Yes.
To help out... well... um, I always wanted to write.
Write? Write what?
I've been thinking about writing a... huh, a book...
or... you know... a sort of... um... memoir.
You okay there, Dad?
Dad, I left my job at the agency.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Government service is not... the same as when you were in State.
Things are different now. I don't know, maybe, it's... the Cold War ending:
Now it seems like it's all... bureaucracy and no mission.
I'm writing a memoir... I think it can be... pretty explosive...
and I don't think you would disapprove. I don't think you'd disapprove.
Katie has trouble accepting it...
but sometimes there is a higher... patriotism, Dad.
We've seen this before...
I know this kind of man. We've seen this.
Mrs. Cox, you can not let this man...
take advantage of you. And he will... he will.
Yes, this is my fear.
Although he's trying what he says... he's trying to put himself together, but, huh...
Yeah, look... sure I'm obliged to tell you, to try to salvage things.
And you should. It's not unheard of... when people turn themselves around.
But... huh, you haven't approached the possibility of divorce yet?
- No. - Well, that's good.
Because first you should get his finances... before he's forwarned.
Because here's a man... here's a man practised in deceit...
this is almost, you could say... his job.
And there's no reason, it's not improper...
there's no reason you shouldn't get a picture of the household finances.
Paper files, computer files, whatever... it's your prerogative.
You can be a spy too, madam.
Do this before he's put on alert.
Before the turtle can draw in his head and his, huh... huh, huh...
- Feet! - feet, m'hm.
And hopefully everything will work out... he will reform.
But! If not: "Forwarned is Forearmed".
We were young and committed... and there was nothing we could not do.
We thought of the Agency less...
less... um...
With principals of George Kennan... a personal hero of mine...
like the fabled "Murrow's Boys"...
at a time... of...
You've reached the Cox group. We can't answer your call right...
Hello?
Can I speak wirh Mrs. Cox, please.
No... huh, she isn't... hers is the 5719 number.
This is the Cox group. You can reach her on her portable or at her office.
SHE'S MARRIED
Ahhh... Number 4!
HAS BOYFRIEND
And number 6!
SHE'S PREGNANT
Yes, yes!
I think I should try to get a run in.
Ozzie?
Ozzie!
Honey, At Princeton reunion Dinner See you later
Library Closed for Private Party
We take all the chicken fat off your buttocks, here...
Hm'hm... hm'hm...
- And the upper arms. - Hm'hm...
- And a little of your tummy... - Yeah, great.
Now, we do breast augmentation with a tiny incision here...
- Oh, that marker really tickles! - and here.
And what about the upper leg, the higher inside thigh area?
Well, we can do liposuction there as well, but that area will respond to excercise.
The buttocks and upper arms, begin to store more fat...
once you get up around... fourty, the body just tells it to go there.
But the thighs will respond to toning excercises.
Yeah. I can work on my arms, till the cows come home, but...
Uh-huh, well, also there are of course genetic factors.
- But the Litzke people always been big. - Well, everyone's got a...
- My mom had an ass that could pull a bus. - Wow... Well that's a pretty...
Yeah, my Father's side too... although Dad seams to carry his weight out in front more.
- Uh'huh. - In the gut area, derriere, not so much.
Okay...
And what about the face, you know... the window to the soul.
Uh'huh! Uh'huh! Very well put.
Well, your eyes... are one of your best features.
But... we can do something about the incipient crow's feet.
Baby crow's feet. Little chickling's feet. I mean chicks, chickie, chickie, chickie.
Ah'ha, yes... again well put. You have... a way with words.
We make a small incision and then pull the skin tight...
like stretching the skin over a drum, not too tight, though.
We don't want that "Worked on Look".
You need sufficiant slack, for the face to remain expressive.
Yeah. I don't wanna look like Boris Karloff.
- So, you don't want a sex change! - Oh, no. I'm all woman!
So Linda, what we're talking about here, is four different procedures.
The liposuction, the rhinoplasty, the facial tuck...
which I would strongly recomend, over the chemical peel...
Yeah, I don't wanna burn anything off.
Why should you. With that lovely skin? And lastly the breast augmentation.
Now, we can also do something about that vaccine scar...
I don't know if you wear sleeveless dresses much...
- Not with these ham hocks! - Yes, well.
Once they're nice and svelte, post-op, you... huh, may change your mind about that.
I wanna talk about the vaccine thing. I mean can you counsel me on this?
I mean is it really that unsightly? I see... I know a bunch of people have them.
Absolutely! Some women don't mind it. It's a personal taste.
HARDBODIES FITNESS CENTERS
fitness office
- Chad! - Exhale... Deep breath! Exhale.
- Hold it!... Hold and release. - Chad!
And release.
- Ow! - Too much?
I... I just felt a straining... a tightness in the front of my ass.
Well you are pretty tight down there. You have...
Something snapped in my ass!
Chad Feldheimer to the office, please.
I'll check with my office, I'll be right back and we'll do real work on opening those hips.
I just got a batch from "be/with/me/dc. com"
- Oh no! Anything good? - I don't know, I'm just checking.
Which one?
Hold right there, click on that... click on that... click that one...
Oh, my god! Okay, loser... Loser... Loser!
They should call this "mr/loser. com"
- Did you have to send a picture? - No, only the guys do.
I had to fill a verbal profile. "What turns me on", "what turns me off"...
I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor.
That guy... wait... that guy wasn't bad.
- Him? - No, before.
- Him? - Yeah, he might not be a loser.
- How can you tell? - That's a Brioni suit.
- Oh, yeah? - Shit yeah!
Does he look like he would have a sense of humor?
I think his optometrist had a sense of humor.
- What's he do? - Huh... State department.
Oh, that's cool.
His hair... what is that?
Plugs?
This is our cardio area and we have a lot of machines...
and believe me there's never a wait. I mean what you see now...
it's like the busiest time and there's a lotta machines open.
- Hey, Chad. - Hey, Linda.
- You call that guy? - No, not yet.
Chad Feldheimer, he's one of our trainers.
I've been doing this internet dating... thing and I'm...
- What service? - be/with/me/dc. com?
- Nice... - Have you used them?
No... two friends did, they both got hooked up... with really special guys.
That's fantastic!
If you're an english speaker, please say "yes" or "english".
Yes.
I'm sorry I didn't understand what you said, if you're an english speaker...
English.
Would you like to speak to the billing department or to an agent?
Agent.
I'm sorry I didn't understand what you said.
Agent! Agent!
Hello. Can I help you?
Yeah, hi, this is Linda Litzke, should I give you my accont number?
- You did that... - You have it? Okay.
I have it here.
I was told that I need a pre-approval for these surgeries, but...
Yes, I'm sure that this procedure was not approved.
Yes, it was denied.
This operation of the selective procedure is not covered by...
No, look, these are four different operations... It's very complicated.
I'm reinventing myself, it's a whole new look, so it's not just one thing...
and they were all approved by my doctor.
Your doctor's approval is not the issue, ma'am.
But this is... this is not...
- Our guides for selective surgeries are... - Madam...
My job involves public interface...
- I don't think you really understand... - This is not...
- the guides lines are very clear... - Oh, I understand.
Put your supervisor on, please.
Hold the line.
Alan?
Linda?
Yeah.
Coming Up Daisy.
I didn't delay it...
We've been over and over and over this.
First you say you can't commit and then...
Would you come down from there!
Please pick up Plunge Honey Nut Cheerios.
We married when I was what... in the mid-twenties,
A kid, we were kids. Twenties.
And... you think it's forever.
You get older, you start to feel your mortality...
and say there's no more time for dishonesty.
Subterfuge, say I'm not that person. The choices you've made, you...
I'm thinking of divorcing Ozzy.
My...
But frankly, I'm thinkig... Wough, huh...
I guess that's what I should be thinking too... with Sandy.
- That's what you were just saying. - Absolutely. Yes.
And you're right. You should dump that bozo, no question about it... I agree.
- So, if I were divorced... - Yes.
I should settle things... with Sandy. Because of you and me.
Hm'hm...
It's... you know...
It's hard to... inflict that kind of pain, you know...
of course that might be easy for you.
Why's that? I don't see why.
Because he's such a dope, you see... But Sandra is a good lady too.
- A very special lady. - She's a cold, stuck-up bitch.
- Well, that's a little... - You know, we should get things sorted.
I've always told you it's more than just frivolity.
That's right... that's understood. You've been very straight.
- I think I've been loud and clear. - Absolutely.
Not just fun and games.
Absolutely.
Pipe & Fittings Power Tools
Agent.
I'm sorry I didn't understand what you said.
Agent.
Your call is important to us.
Please stay on the line for the next available agent.
Ted, can I talk to you, about our Mickey Mouse H.M.O?
- Uh'huh... hang on. - This is some heavy shit.
- Is that my date list? - No... fuck.
You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself and these procedures...
there just so incredibly not cheap... What is that?
- I can't believe it, this is like... - Intelligence shit.
- I'm not comfortable with this. - This is like...
like... I can't believe this shit I'm seeing!
- Manolo found it. - On the floor there.
Yeah, Manolo found like... this C.D. Just lying in the locker...
locker floor, ladies' locker... Just lyin' there.
And I'm like, whough, someone's music or what... and I come in here...
- and it's these files, man. - I'm not comfortable with this.
Talking about sig... in?... And signals and shit and...
- Signals means code, you know? - It was just lyin' there.
Talking here about department heads and their names and shit...
and these other files... are just like numbers... arrayed.
Numbers and dates... and numbers and numbers...
and dates and numbers, and...
I think that's the shit, man... the raw intelligence!
I'm not touching this, I want this outta here.
- Throw it out? - No, you can't do that.
We should put up a note in the ladies' locker room.
Put up a note? Highly classified... shit found?
Signals, intelligence shit... C.I.A. shit?
Hello! Anybody lose their secret C.I.A. shit? I don't think so!
I don't know you figure it out, but I'm not comfortable with this...
and I want this outta Hardbodies. We're running a gym here...
God!
Manolo... you didn't find this!
- I find it on the floor there. - Yeah... huh, I know, but...
Right there, on the floor there... Just lyin' there.
- Harry? - Yeah, it's me.
YEA AND NAY FOR OLIVER AUTHOR: PFARRER, SANDRA
Jose!
- Absolut martini, please. - Just the tab.
But if I get any advance on my salary...
I could at least get the surgery ball rolling.
Whough... wough, this is a payroll company, you know?
They don't just advance people money. They just don't do that.
I mean, sure, I could say, yes, I authorized it...
but that's not gonna mean anything to them.
Well, why do they have us on this Cockamamie health plan?
I need these surgeries, Ted!
You're a beautiful woman. You don't need...
I've gone just about as far, as I can go with this body...
I think you're beautiful... it's not a phoney-baloney Hollywood body.
That's right, Ted. I would be laughed out of Hollywood.
I have very limited breasts and a ginormous ass and I have this gut...
that swings back and forth in front of me...
like a shopping cart with a bent wheel.
You know there's a lotta guys, that like you just the way you are.
Yeah... losers!
- I don't know, am I a loser? - Oh, Ted.
You know I wasn't always a manager at Hardbodies, lemme tell you...
Let me show you something.
Is that you?
Fourteen years a Greek Orthodox priest, a congregation in Chevy Chase.
- That's a good job. - Hm'hm.
What happened?
It's a long story.
Anyway... in many ways I'm a lot happier now.
My point is... my point is, it's a journey.
That's my point! I don't wanna stay where I am!
I wanna find someone to share my journey!
Well, you know sometimes... if you don't look in your own backyard,...
- I know... - you're never...
that's why I've started this internet dating.
Uh'huh, but what I'm saying is, maybe... you know, you don't have to...
Look, Ted, I know that you can't authorize an advance on my salary...
but you could put in a request, can't you?
It's not gonna do any good, Linda.
Oh, Ted, have you ever heard of the power of positive thinking?
Harry?
It's Monica.
Well, hello.
Maybe I can get a run in.
Hello.
Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god! - Shh!
- Oh, my god! Oh, my god! - You know what time it is?
Uh'huh... so like, I couldn't call you on your totally unsecure phone...
but I know who the guy is.
- The guy? - The guy... the secret guy.
So... is he high up?
I don't know if he's high... probably! I mean, I got his name, not his rank.
- So what's his name? - Osbourne Cox.
Never heard of him.
So what? You're so plugged into the intelligence community.
I'm just sayig as a layman...
I think the quality of the intelligence dictates how high up he is.
- Okay. - Not what we know.
I also... do you have any water? I got hydrated.
- I've got tapwater. - Are you kidding?
- How do you know who he is? - Sources.
- What do you mean, "sources"? - You have like Gatorade? Or...
anything, besides just Maryland swamp water?
- You know how far this is from my... - How do you know his name?
I got this geek friend, Ernie Gallegos, he does computer stuff...
hooks up people's computers and programs their V.C.R's and shit.
So he examines the files and he pulls up the digital watermark...
which tells you what computer it was created on.
- Fucking child's play for Ernie. - Uh'huh.
And...
- I got his number! I got his number! - Oh, my god!
That was a bit more difficult. Shall we give him a tinkle?
Oh, my, god... Why?
'Cause he's gonna wanna know that his shit is secure.
No shit...
he's gonna be relieved, he might even be so relieved, that he gives us a reward.
I would be very fucking surprised, if he did not.
- Oh, wow. - Very surprised.
Like that, you know, good Samaritan tax.
It's not even a tax, really, since it's voluntary.
Hello?
Uhh...
Osbourne? Osbourne Cox?
Yes... Who is this?
Um... this... um... Is this Osbourne Cox?
Who is this? What time is it? Who are you?
I'm a Good Samaritan.
I'm sorry I'm calling at such an hour, but I thought you might be worried.
Worried?
About the security... of your shit.
What on earth are you talking about? Who am I speaking to?
I got your files... um... huh, the documents.
I know these documents are... sensitive...
but I'm perfectly willing to give... back to you, your sensitive shit.
You know at a time of your choosing.
What documents are you talking about?
Osbourne Cox?
Yes, yes, this is... Hello! It's Osbourne Cox.
Who the fuck are you?
What documents are you talking about?
Okay.
The bureau chief in Belgrade, we all call Slovak the butcher...
he had very little report with his staff, and his dispatches...
Report? Very little rapport... with his staff, fucking moron!
How did you get this?
- Don't blow a gasket, Osbourne. I... - Who the fuck are you? Listen...
- We have... It's not important where... - you're way in, over your fucking head!
I don't know who the fuck you are, but you have no idea what you're doing!
Oh! Why so uptight, Osbourne Cox?
I'm... I'm just a Good Samaritan, I travel on the road, who...
Tell him, we're gonna give it back, we just thought he'd like to know...
I know, I'm just gonna tell him about the Good Samaritan tax.
Who is that? Hello! Hello!
- Tell him he's a inconveniencing us. - Hello!
- Who the fuck is this? - Ozzie, what's going on?
You know this is a major inconvenience for us and we just thought a reward...
Uh! So it's money! So it's money!
- You want money, okay... - You...
- listen to me... - Yeah, why not?
- Am I out of line here? - listen to me you two clowns.
Listen to me very very carefully. You have no idea what you're doing.
- And I warn you most ephatically... - You warn us?
- Yes...
You warn us? - Yes, and I...
Let me tell you something Mr. Intelligence!
- Let me... - We warn you!
- Listen... - We'll call you back with our demands!
- Hello? - Hello.
- Chad, no! No... - Listen to me...
- hang up! Don't play his game! - let me expain how this will...
Sorry.
- Geeze... - The nerve of that guy.
I'm very fucking surprised he did not give us the reward.
What on earth is going on?
Some clown... two clowns have... gotten a hold of my memoirs.
Your what?
- They stole it or... no idea how they... - Your what?
My memoirs, the book that I'm writing.
Why in gods' name would anyone think that's worth anything?
It doesn't sound like he's gonna play ball.
Oh, he'll play ball! We just have to show him who's boss.
Well, that's... he sounds very senior.
I think this is some senior guy who's screwed the pooche, big time.
Yeah, that's why we got him, you know,
We've caught him with his thing caught in a big fat wringer...
- Yup. - and us in the driver's seat.
Uh'hu...
This is our opportunity. you don't get many of these.
You slip on the ice outside of you know, a fancy restaurant...
- something like this happends. - Right.
- Right now... this has happened. - Yup... It sure has.
This could put a big dent in my surgerys.
Ahh...
Big time.
Honey? Honey!
Huh?
My car is here, I'm off... Mystery man.
What is that thing?
Ah... top secret, baby. How many cities?
Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago.
Why they always send you to Seattle, not a big market.
You know, lot's of independent bookstores...
it rains all the time, what else are people gonna do?
- I can think of a couple things. - You can think of one thing.
- Where they putting you? - Well, it better be the Peninsula.
With the money I make for them.
- You gonna be okay? - Be sad... but I'll be okay.
- Not too sad... - Just the right amount.
I'm crazy about you, baby!
Hey!
Tommy Bennett, Tony Morrison, Zoe Caldwell, it was marvelous.
First time I've ever attended the Kennedy Honors...
Jane Alexander is a client, old friend with Zoe's.
Anyway...
- Connie? - Yes, sir.
Why don't you bring in your copy of the Cox finances?
Tony sang: The best is yet to come.
Tony Bennett.
I thought I had it here on my desk, I don't know where the disk is. I'm sorry.
- I have to run another off my hard drive. - Alright, okay.
So, we've drawn up the papers and are prepared to execute service on Osbourne...
if you so elect, Mrs. Cox... but since we are at the point of no return.
I always urge my clients at this juncture, to... give it one more day... of reflection.
Hmm...
Harry?
It's Linda.
Well, hello.
I did the whole bodyguard thing for... for years, my guy was in State...
the Secretary as matter of fact, so we did a lotta traveling.
"Ironside just left the building". We called him Iron-Ass.
Not to his face, of course... not to his ass, either!
Oh, he was okay... Personal Protection is a young man's game.
These are really good... you wanna try one?
- It has shelf food in it? - Shelf food?
I've got a sensitivity I go in anaphylactic shock...
my legs... swells up and close... oh... what the hell, live dangerously, huh?
- Can't always wear a condom, right? - That's right! Not always!
Yeah, I've got now mostly administrative. Not so much P.P. Personal Protection.
- Although, I still carry a gun. - Oh, my god!
No big deal, never discharged it, in twenty years service.
Security blanket now. I don't think about it...
of course, you're not supposed to think about it...
in a situation when your man's threatened, the training kicks in, muscle memory...
it's just like a reflex, it's... Those are outrageous.
- You wanna swap? - No way!
- There you go. - No way!
- Let me touch it... - No, please go away.
Sake?
But there was just a hell of lotta political infighting, and...
petty, petty shit and basically the old man, stepped on the Treasury's throat.
- Nice... wide-plank pine? - Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, listen Linda, full disclosure here...
Yes, I am not wearing a wedding ring, but I am married.
I took the ring off, about 18 months ago, when we agreed to separate.
We agreed to disagree, that's the only thing we ever agreed on.
Thanks for telling me, Harry, I really appreciate it.
- Full transparency is... my motto. - Is this gun loaded?
- That's not gonna go off, is it? - Let's get to another room to find out.
That's great, that's exciting.
Yeah. He's very very communicative. Very accesible. His sense of humor?
And he agrees 100% about my surgeries.
- Well, I... - He agrees my ass can be smaller.
I mean, not in mean way, he comes with a piece of humor.
That's good, but Linda, what you really know about this guy?
I told you, he's in a treasury department.
But no, I mean, you know he could be one of these guys who cruises internet.
Yeah, so am I!
What's wrong with this?
No, you cannot wear that, you have to wear a suit.
- You mean go home change? - Yeah.
I was gonna ride my bike.
Osbourne Cox?
- And you, I take it are "Mr. Black"? - Yes, I am.
- You have the money? - 50,000 dollars.
That's what was agreed upon, Osbourne Cox.
All right... let me explain something to you, "Mr. Black".
- You know who I am, I know who you are. - Perhaps.
- But appearances can be... diceptive. - Yeah.
What you're engaged in is blackmail, that is a felony, that's for starters.
Appearances can be deceptive. I'm a mere Good Samaritan who...
Secondly, the unauthorized dissemination of classified material is a federal crime.
If you ever carried out your proposed threat...
you would experience such a shit-storm of consequences, my friend...
that your empty little head would be spinning faster then the wheels...
- of your Schwinn bicycle back there. - You think that's a Schwinn?
Now give me the fucking floppy or the CD or whatever the fuck it is!
As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!
- You fuck! - Give it to me, fuck!
- You fucker! - I know who you are, fucker!
You're the fucker!
- Where is the money? - He hit me!
- Where is the money?! - He didn't give it to me...
Oh, for... get in the car! Get in the car!
What're you doing?
Shit!
Ah... fuck it! Fuck!
Fucking Lunatic!
- Holy fuck... you fucking morons! - Shit!
That'll give him something to think about.
- Yeah. - I knew this would happen.
Wait, wait! We gotta go back! My bike!
We're on to plan B.
It's just a Kryptonite lock, you... you can open those fuckers with a bic pen.
Some people...
- What... what is this? - Russian Embassy.
I told Mr. Krapotkin I might be stopping by.
Is there a man's room?
Madam, you are mistaken. I'm assistent cultural attaché.
The organs of state security are not allowed to function...
within the borders of your country.
- Organs? - Yes.
But what if I had, oh... huh, say, secrets of higly, um,
secrets that might interest the organs of this...
Yes?
That's just a taste.
May I ask you the source of this material?
No, you may not.
- He's very high up. - Chad!
I'm just saying, he's high up.
- PC or Mac? - Um, PC.
- Could you wait, please? - Sir, I do have a date.
Um... Hey!
The fish... has bitten.
Huh?
Oh yeah, he seems cool.
Chad.
Could you... accompany me please?
- There is more material? - There's a lot more.
But we wanna be paid first.
You're not ideological?
- I... don't think so. - Look, I have a date, so...
Date.
Uh'uh...
- A line to check in, towels pilling up. - I'm sorry, Ted.
And Manolo running around like crazy. What happened to your nose?
This is not acceptable at Hardbodies. You two know better than that.
- Yes we do, Ted... I'm really sorry. - This is no way.
It was unavoidable, Teddy. It won't happen again.
- But you won't tell me what's going on. - No, we can't.
I know this is really terrible, Ted...
but I have... I have to go... I have a date.
You're changing, Linda.
It's very sad.
Which in my mind is all the more reason to lower to boom on Ozzie.
- Hm'hm. - Is that it? "Hm'hm"?
Well, I'm just...
wondering... if it's the right time. I mean...
Well, of course it's the right time. Why wouldn't it be the right time?
- Does it threaten you? - Nah, you and me we're... rock solid.
It's just... I think that's why we can afford to be big.
We can think about Ozzie, and could give him a chance to...
get himself together a little bid more, before you hammer the hell out of him.
Is that how you see me? "Hammering" him?
- Of course not... - Well, that's your word...
- Huh... - I don't "hammer".
No, of course not, listen...
I'm no friend of the guy, you know that. I... I think he's an arrogant little geek.
But, you know, we have all the time in the world, and he just lost his job.
He didn't lose it, he quit.
Yeah, most of people in this town who quit, were fired.
I feel sorry for him.
I think he'd be a lot easier to deal with, if he doesn't feel cornered.
Maybe... just as long as we're talking about Ozzie here, not you.
Of course we're talking about Ozzie.
I'll do whatever you want, baby. I adore you.
Get the check.
Yup? Yes?
Is there blood in his stool? Yeas, I'm running home.
I love you, baby.
Ozzie?
God-damnit Ozzie, what have you done to the car?!
All right.
Katie Calling
Oh, my god, I'm sorry... am I really late?
Oh, no, it doesn't start for five minutes.
- You haven't seen it yet, have you? - Huh, this one no... no I have not.
- I hear it's terrific. - Great.
We've been over and over and over this.
First you say you can't commit and then...
Would you come down from there?
- When... - Pardon my dust.
The Ex is in the proccess of moving out. I told her to expedite things.
Yeah.
Well, you know, you try to act like an adult.
I know, it isn't easy.
You wanna come downstairs? You like surprises?
Well, I'm always open to new experiences.
I gotta tell ya... I saw an ad for this in gentlemen's magazine...
1200 bucks... 1200 bucks.
I'm lookin' at this thing and I think, Jesus Christ, you're kiddin' me...
I'm a hobbyist, this thing is basically nothing but speed-rail...
I think, I'll go down to Home Depot and whip this up myself, for... a 100 bucks.
- What is it? - What is it.
You sit down there, make yourself comfortable...
put your feet in the stirrups, and...
Oh, my god!
- That's fantastic! - It's something, isn't it?
A 100 bucks all in, not counting my labor, and the... cost of the dildo.
- Those things are not cheap. - Uh'uh.
See, I lack the... Not set up to mold hard rubber.
- The Russians? - Uh'uh.
- The Russians? - Hm'hm.
Russian Embassy, yeah.
- Are you sure? - Hey.
The guy was not hard to follow, as you know.
Why the fuck would they go to the Russians?
Why the fuck...
- Huh, I'm sorry... thank you, Hal. - Hey, no problemo.
Look, Ozzie, I hate to be a paranoid old spook, but...
those two guys seem very interested in you.
You haven't gone poofy on me, have you, Oz?
Can I help you?
I'm sorry about us staring, but your face looks familliar.
- It's a... Princeton, '73? - Yeah.
- I... I can't remember your name. - Osbourne Cox.
I thought so... Served and witnessed.
Wish you all a nice evening.
Ouch.
What the... fuck?
Fuck! What the fuck?
Fuck! Fuck it!
Why did you tell him we could get more stuff?
Well, maybe we can.
That's all Manolo found! That was everything!
What're we... gonna tell Manolo...
to scoop some more secret spy shit off the locker floor?
- Hey! - What.
I don't like the snideness... and the negativity!
- I'm sorry. - I'm just trying to work this thing.
If I'm gonna reinvent myself, I need these surgeries.
And those surgeries cost money! This is not just fun and games!
- I'm sorry. - So let's figure this thing out, okay?
Chad, your Berry Blast is ready.
- We know who he is. - Right! Osbourne Cox.
- So we can find out where he lives, right? - I'm... I guess.
- You should change into your suit. - Why?
So you don't stand out in his neighborhood.
- There're certain elementary things. - His neighborhood?
Yeah, we should take out the labels and the laundery marks.
- Laundry marks? - Deniability
- What's the odometer say? - Five.
About five or approximately five? I mean...
Oh, for fuck sake, Harry, it's five miles... 5.2.
Okay, I got to do at least five... five and a deuce is okay.
I'm amazed you have the energy.
You kiddin'?... Pull around the corner, we'll do it in back!
You're coarse.
No, back of the car, it's not really a rear situation.
Fuck you... I'm late.
So close, so close and yet so far...
I worked my fingers to the bone, made myself a name.
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind...
Still I reminisce of the girl I missed...
and the love I left behind...
I worked my fingers to the bone...
made myself a name.
Though I never laid a hand on you...
my eyes adored you.
Like a million miles away from me...
you couldn't see.
As free as the grass grows...
or you could find me home
Live free when no one's around you
As free as the wind blows...
As free as the grass grow...
Hello?
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
What the fuck!
Fuck it!
Oh! Oh my fuck!
I killed a fucking spook.
What the fuck you're doing here, you fucker?
You c...
Olson? What's up?
Palmer? What's up?
Huh, I'm not quiet certain, sir, but... it's... messy.
Kolyma-2 tells us, they have computer files...
from an ex-analyst of mine, Osbourne Cox.
- Kolyma-2? - Our man in the Russian Embassy.
They were brought into them by a woman, nam...
- The Russians? - Yeah.
It was brought in by a woman named Linda Lietzke...
an associate of a guy named Harry Pfarrer.
The picture's in the file... with Pfarrer's.
- The Russians! - Yeah.
- And, who's... Pfarrer? - Um... treasury guy...
who... has been... huh, screwing Mrs. Cox.
That must be how they got the files.
Or maybe Ozzie knows about it...
they all seem to be sleeping with each other.
Right... spare me.
Yes, sir, but this... huh, this treasure guy...
um... it's... huh, it's become complicated.
Huh...
He just shot somebody, in... Ozzie's house.
- Shot... your analyst? - No, Ozzie wasn't there, huh...
our man surveying hears a gun shot...
sees the guy wrestles something into his car, follows him...
he dumps the body in the Chesapeake Bay.
- Well, why he do that for? - Don't know, sir.
Oh, for Christ's sake! Did anyone fish the body out?
Hm'hm...
- And... Russian... American? - Don't know... Scrubbed of ID.
- And this... huh, Linda... Linda Litzke. - Yeah.
- She is Treasury? - No, we're... um, we're fuzzy on her.
So we don't really know what anyone's after?
Not really, sir.
- And this analyst, ex-analyst... huh. - Cox.
- Yeah... what's his clearance level? - Three.
Okay, no biggie...
Just for now... huh, just keep an eye on everyone, to see what they do.
Yes, sir, and we'll interface with the F.B.I. on this... huh, dead body.
No! No, God, no! We don't want those idiots blundering around in this.
Burn the body. Get rid of it.
And... huh, keep an eye on everyone, see what they do.
Report back to me when... huh.
I don't know... when it makes sense.
Yo! And then... Hop! Hop!
- And then... Hop! Hop! And up! - I'm bigger, I'm bigger, I'm back...
I'm bigger, then ever... I'm bigger, I'm back...
I'm better... Then ever... I'm back... I'm back...
You fuckers... I'm back... hey fuckers... I'm back...
And last time...
- Linda? You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, Ted... Sorry.
- You don't look fine. - No, no... I'm... I'm...
But you won't tell me what's wrong? You never let me in, Linda.
Oh, I know you're trustworthy, I just... I don't want to endager other people.
I mean, this is a path that I've chosen, it's not...
you have to isolate, you know, a firewall.
Well, I don't know what to think.
You both go A.W.O.L on friday and today... Chad doesn't even bother to come in at all.
- I know, Ted. - I can't run a gym this way.
- I know, Ted. - I'm gonna have to fire him.
- No! No no no! Just, just... - What?
- Give me 24 hours! - To what?
- I don't know, just give me 24 hours! - Linda...
Just give me 24 hours to solve this thing!
Linda, I have to tell you, a man was in here earlier asking about you.
Are you... are you in some kind of trouble?
Is Chad running away from something?
We know what we're doing, Ted. Let me ask you this...
- did he know my name? - Well yes, he was asking about you.
Employment history, etcetera... a real jerk, I told him to get lost.
Oh, thank you, Ted.
Well, we just... we just don't give that out at Hardbodies.
Linda, a Mr. Krapotkin on line 2.
Oh, my god!
Mr. Krapotkin?
- Linda? - Yes.
Yes, this is Ivan Krapotkin, Russian Embassy.
Returning your call.
Yes, yes! Hang on... I'm sorry, Ted. This is private.
- Mr. Krapotkin? - Yes?
Is this a secure line?
Mr. Krapotkin? Is this a secure line?
- Are you joking? - No.
I'm very worried about my associate, you know... Chad.
- Do you have him? - Do we have him?
Is he... well, I don't know what the term is, "go over"?
I don't understand. Is he not at Hardbodies?
No... I... good, look it... can I come in and discuss this?
Ahm...
- I'm very busy... at the moment. - I'm coming anyway.
- You seem distracted. - Do I?
You seem very distracted, the last few days.
Mm'mm... work.
You think that might be enough carrots?
- What? - For the salad.
You know you really are a negative person.
What?
I've tried... To ignore it, to remain upbeat.
- Harry, stop the foolishness. - Stop the foolishness?
Yes, and behave...
You're not speaking to one of your shit-hole buddies.
Hello?
Honey? It's so good to hear you voice.
- Something wrong? - No... Yeah.
Can you come home... baby needs you. Can you please come home?
Harry... you know I can't just leave the Book-tour.
I can show you your present. It's finished.
Oh, Harry... I can't just leave.
There're two days left... there is still, Seattle.
- Yeah. - I love you, Harry.
Yeah... I love you too.
Hey! Fucker!
You Fucker!
Fucker!
Fucker!... Who do you work for, huh?
Who do you work for?
Who are you? Huh! Who are you?
Who do you work for? C.I.A. N.S.C?
Tuchman Marsh!
- What? - Tuchman Marsh!
- Tuchman Marsh? - Yes.
Your name is Tuchman Marsh?
Tuchman Marsh, Hauptman Rodino! I work for them!
- You work for Tuchman Marsh? - Yes.
Is that a law firm?
No! A rock band! Yes, it's a law firm!
- Why're you following me? - Divorce action, numb-nuts!
- My wife hired you? - No. Your wife hired Tuchman Marsh.
Tuchman Marsh hired me. I work for Tuchman Marsh.
You're...
What...
Sandy...
- Jesus... - Grow up, man! It happens to everybody!
At the midnight of the third day...
even the sergeant at arms fell asleep...
and it was just then at that very moment that Oliver sneezed.
Can we just...
I'm sorry to interrupt you to let folks at home to see this illustrations!
Can we just get a shot of that... There... there it is...
It's Oliver interrupting the fillibuster with...
- That's wonderful. - It's wonderful.
The book is "Point of Order, Oliver" and the talented author is Sandra Pfarrer.
Chill, stay with us for the next segment when we meet the Sultan of Salad.
And then it's Part 2 of our very special interview with Dermont Mulroney.
So keep it where it is!
That was way out of line, we were so unbelievably clear with them:
- It's just an Oliver segment, Del and - Connie it's fine...
- Connie, thank you, it's fine. - Huh? Okay. Great...
- I thought it would never end. - Hmm, me too.
Let me get this crap off my face.
NOTICE OF INSUFFICIANT FUNDS - What the fuck?
Yes, madam. Can we help you?
What kind of Micky Mouse Embassy are you running?!
Anyway... I've been waiting for 45 minutes!
- I'm so sorry, madam. An urgent matter. - Maybe this is an urgent matter.
Since, you know, Chad has been missing for 48 hours...
I do not know the whereabouts of Mr. Chad, madam.
He was gathering information for you when he was taken.
We're not interested in such "information".
- It was drivel. - Dribble!
- Would you like your disk back, madam? - Dribble!
I will give you dribble! You listen to me, Mr. Krapkin!
I am a US citizen and I will not take this kind of treatment.
My check was returned for insufficient funds.
No! No, no, ma'am, no...
there're over $40,000 in that account. The account is not overdraw.
When? But how could she have access with?... Ahh, never...
What about our... our savings... what about my savings account?
Hm'hm...
No no I'm sorry I don't know the number to... huh, my savings account...
because believe it or not, I don't spend my intire days sitting around...
trying to memorize the fucking numbers to my fucking bank account!
Moron!
No way... No. no way... Whough... No way, Linda...
- No. - I can't do it, Ted.
- I don't know anything about computers. - Linda, this whole thing is crazy.
It was a crazy the first time, and you wanna do it again?
Break into the man's house? Wha... what?
You said the Russians didn't even want this stuff.
My world is bigger then that, Ted.
There are other people... There're the Chinese.
- Linda, these surgeries... - No, it's not just the surgeries, Ted.
We can use it as leverage... to get Chad back!
- What'd you mean "get him back"! - Information is power, Ted! Hello!
What'd you mean "get him back"! You don't know where he is! Ohh...
Somebody has him, Ted. We can use it to...
Call the police if you wanna get back the missing people... and then you...
I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't do that!
We're operating off the map here, Ted! This is higher then the police!
- It's higher then that! - Linda...
All I need is a can-do-person, Ted! I hate your negativity!
I hate your reasons, why not! I hate you! I hate you!
- What'll it be? - Seven and Seven.
- Hello? - It's Harry.
You think a marriages is... and then it's...
But this was a long time coming.
Was it?
Well, yeah... right, I'm just depressed and...
I gotta excercise. I didn't run in three days.
Butt-crunches... anything...
You think maybe I could stay here for a little while.
Oh, my god! No, no, no.
It can't always come from me! I'm not that strong!
You're not here for me, Harry.
I need a can-do-person... You are all... defeted!
Chad is the only can-do-person I know, and he's gone... he's just gone.
I'll be good, I'll be better. I... I just gotta excercise.
There are pedestrian paths or something?
Who the fuck is Chad?
He's my friend from work... you can help me find him?
You know law unforcement people, it be easy for you to call 'em, unofficialy?
Hold on... what happened? What's his name?
Chad Feldheimer. He just disappeared.
He hasn't been at work or at home for two days.
Okay. You know his social security number?
- Huh? No! I... - Okay.
- What's the last place you saw him? - No, I don't know, he just disappeared.
The Jamba Juice on K street... ohh... now he's gone.
No, okay, okay... we're gonna find him.
Calm down, it'll be okay... it's okay.
- Okay. - Harry is here.
Open your mouth, open it. Do as the doctor says, come on.
Open your mouth, come on. Open your mouth!
Now look here, young man. You do as I say...
or I'm gonna ask your mom to leave the doctor's room...
and you and I are gonna sort it out between us.
Hello?
I'm with a patient.
And it's the same fucking patient she's been with since yesterday?
You tell doctor Cox I have the new keys.
Hey there, Sunshine.
You seem better.
I snuck in a little gym time this morning, and our excercise last night didn't hurt.
Oh, Harry!
Boy, I tell you... I'm through banging my head against the wall.
I'm gonna start doing what's right for me.
I believe that also, I think you have to do what's right for you.
Yeah! Hell yeah! You know I had a shock, recently...
and I realized that life is not infinite, and no one's immortal.
I think that it's very important, to maintain a positive attitude.
- Always up... always ebullient. - small stuff...
- And it's all small stuff. - and it's all small stuff.
xxx
Just for starters.
Hey boy.
Ahh...
- It's where we first met, remember? - Of course I do.
It's hard to know what the important days are, and huh...
Now, I told myself that I wasn't gonna be paranoid, but is that guy looking at us?
Nope, uh'uh... have you found out anything about Chad?
No, nothing yet... I've made a couple of calls.
- It shouldn't take too long. - Really?
Oh yeah, there're so many data bases now it's a joke...
Back when I was in P.P... it was still an art in finding people.
But not anymore... and with the cell phones? I mean...
pretty soon, everybody's gonna know where you are... at any given moment.
Any given moment.
Did he... alright... when he left Jamba Juice...
did Chad give you any idea where he might be going?
- I know where he was going. - You do?
Georgetown... Olive Street... 160 Olive street.
It's the residence of this guy... Osbourne Cox...
Who are you?
What?
Who are you? The C.I.A. N.S.A. the Millitary?
Who you work for? Who you work for?
Who are you?
I'm just... Linda Litzke.
You...
Oh...
You...
Harry!
Oh, for Pete sake!
And you are my wife's lover?
- No. - Then what're you doing here?
I know you... you're the guy from the gym.
I'm not here representing Hardbodies.
Oh, yes... I know very well what you represent.
You represent the idiocy of today.
I don't represent that, either.
Yeah... you're the guy at the gym, when I asked about that moronic woman?
She's not a moron.
You're in league with that moronic woman.
You're part of a league of morons.
- No, no. - Oh, yes.
You see... you're one of the morons I've been fighting my whole life.
My whole fucking life... but guess what? Today I win.
Hey!
Stop! Intruder!
- Stop! - No!
Intruder! Stop!
Wait... wait a minute.
Where is the... the treasury guy? Pfarrer?
- Right now? - Right now.
Um... he's in the detention room, at Washington Dallas.
Why?
He was trying to board a flight to Venezuela.
We had his name on a hotlist, and the S.E.F people held 'em.
Uh... Don't know why... he was trying to go to Venezuela.
- You don't know? - No, sir.
- We have no extradition with Venezuela. - Oh... so, what should we do with him?
For fuck sake, put him on the next flight to Venezuela!
Yes sir... okay.
- Okay, so... the gym manager is dead? - Yes, sir.
- The body is... - I guess... gone, sir.
Okay.
Huh... but there was, a... um, snag.
What?
Well... um, this analyst, Cox, was attacking the gym guy.
And it was in broad daylight, on the street.
Our man... huh, did not know what to do, he felt he had to step in.
Yes?
He... um, he shot the analyst... he shot Cox.
- Good... Great! Is he dead? - No, sir, he's in a coma.
Uh... they... they don't think he's gonna make it, they don't think...
they're pretty sure that... he has... that there is no... brain function.
Okay, okay... if he wakes up, we'll worry about it then.
Jesus, what a clusterfuck.
So that's... that's it then.
No one else... really knows... anything?
Um... huh...
- well, sir... um, there is... - What?
- Um... - What?
There's the... woman, the gym woman... Linda Litzke.
Oh fuck yeah! God! Where is she?
- We picked her up... we have her. - We have her? To... to do what with?
She says, she'll... huh, play ball if we... pay for... huh, some...
I know this sounds odd... some... surgeries that she wants.
Cosmetic surgery... She said, she'll sit on everything.
How much?
There were several procedures, all together they run to...
- Pay it. - Yes... okay... yeah.
- Jesus fucking Christ! - Yeah.
- What did we learn, Palmer? - I don't know, sir.
I don't fucking know either.
- I guess we learnd not to do it again. - Yes, sir.
- I'm fucked, if I know what we did. - Yes, sir, it's... huh, hard to say.
Jesus fucking Christ!